At the time, I couldn't imagine being so vain as to actually worry that people might be thinking I was fat rather than pregnant. I was so envious of this woman, who was far enough in her pregnancy to be showing and confident enough in its viability to brag about it. All I wanted was to still be pregnant, rather than picking up the pieces of my miscarriage. The overwhelming sadness about my loss had caused me to lose my appetite and work out like crazy to boost those much-needed endorphins, so while I was skinnier than I had been in years, I would've given my right foot to be sporting a round, pregnant belly.
Fast forward to now. I will be 15 weeks pregnant in 2 days, something I never thought would be possible for me. Yesterday, I had an uneventful but lovely OB appointment where I got to hear my baby's strong, healthy heartbeat, and trust me, that was quite a high. But I also checked out my chart and realize I have gained 7 lbs in the past 6 weeks. That was not so much of a high.
Last weekend, I started looking pregnant. I had this adorable little belly pooching out from under my still visible ribs; my butt was approximately the same shape and size its been; and all my bras fit. As of today, none of those things hold true. I woke up and my stomach looks distended and weird, and big all over, no more cute little belly. My arms and legs look like tree trunks. None of my clothes, maternity or otherwise, fit right or look halfway decent. Even my face looks weird.
I've always had issues with my appearance...some minor eating disorder-type stuff when I was young, but mostly just a preoccupation with weight and how I looked. Part of that was connected to the industry I was in, which placed a huge emphasis on being skinny and pretty. Most of it, though, stemmed from my own messed-up head.
I like to think I've matured, and I suspect that most of my friends who know me at this point in my life believe I've got my head on straight when it comes to eating and dieting and health and all that. Hell, I write about nutrition for a living. I have been at a healthy weight - no one would have called me thin, but I worked out a lot pre-pregnancy and had an impressively low percentage of body fat - for many years now.
In my younger years, the thought of gaining massive amounts of weight in pregnancy made me want to adopt. But since my miscarriages, I thought I would welcome the pounds as a testament to the healthy life growing inside me. So it really troubles me that I feel those old dark clouds rolling over my thoughts every time I look in the mirror lately.
Part of the problem is that the medical community and the media make you feel like you need to practically diet to maintain a healthy weight during pregnancy. The fact is, some people get morning sickness and can't eat, causing them to lose a lot of weight in the first trimester, so when they start gaining in the second and third, it evens out to a nice 25-30 lbs as the doctors recommend. But then there are those of us whose nausea was only abated by eating, like me. I ate a LOT in those first few weeks. I wasn't eating junk, but I was constantly hungry, and if I didn't eat, I felt like I was going to die. Granted, my diet consisted mostly of salad, Saltines, and ginger ale, but apparently that was enough for me to start packing on the pounds.
As the morning sickness phase ended, I found myself still hungry, with no nausea to deter that hunger. I always ate well - I didn't use the whole "oh, I'm pregnant so I can eat anything" excuse. I know better, I really do. But how could I possibly deprive my body of food when it needed it so much it would make me dizzy and confused if I ignored the hunger signs?
Just as much as you can say that women who use pregnancy as an excuse to pork out are misguided, I STRONGLY feel that women who do the opposite are worse - they are selfish. You can't inflict your vanity on your unborn child. Its one thing to choose healthy foods, but if your body is telling you to eat, you damn well better eat. Same goes for exercise - all well and good if you can do it, but there are many of us out there who are told not to work out in the beginning due to higher risk. I know a few women with prior losses who have been told to go ahead and stick to their hardcore exercise routines, only to suffer nerve-wracking spotting and cramping after working out too intensely. It is all about listening to, and respecting your body.
So, I've been respecting my body - eating when I need to, choosing the healthiest foods possible, shutting off my own needs and vanity - and I feel like it is turning on me. I am gaining too much weight too fast, and yet I don't feel like I am eating any more than I did pre-pregnancy. I look terrible, and even worse, I feel terrible for getting stressed and upset over this, when it should feel perfectly natural. I am angry at the media for making me feel like a lazy, undisciplined pig just because I am more concerned with my baby's health than my dress size. I am angry at myself for caring what anyone else thinks.
Back to that t-shirt. I want one that says something a bit different:
It may be a belly, but there is a baby underneath it, who obviously needed me to put on a little extra padding to make things better for him/her.
That might be too long to fit on a t-shirt, huh?
